Random Thoughts on the Golden Globes

I love entertainment. I love movies, music, television, reality TV on Bravo. But I have to say this is one egotistic industry. Is there any other industry that awards itself as much? The pretty people get the Academy Awards, the Golden Globes, the various Critics Choice and Guild awards. The MTV popcorn awards. The VH1 awards. The Grammys and the American Music Awards. The ugly-but-smart people get the Nobel Prize. I guess that balances it out.

I wasn’t planning on watching the Globes, but it’s raining and there’s nothing better to watch.  And these are the thoughts going through my head as I watch the Golden Globes.

  • Thank God it’s in Beverly Hills at the Beverly Hilton and not in Hollywood at the Kodak. If it was in Hollywood, the helicopters would be circling around the neighborhood until 3 a.m. in the morning.
  • Thank God it’s raining, because that means there is low visibility and no helicopters will be flying this way (because I’m sure most of the after parties will be in Hollywood/West Hollywood area).
  • Thank God for Ricky Gervais. He is one funny guy. Although a lot of people in the audience don’t get sarcasm. Or maybe they’ve had too much botox to show any expression. Could be both.
  • Great speech Mo’Nique. But next time, cut God out of the speech. Do you see any white actors thanking God in their speeches? It’s all about thanking the studios, the producers, the agents, and if you’re in a happy marriage, thank your spouse. Which you did.
  • Meryl Streep. I love you. You are smart, talented and oozing of class. They certainly don’t make stars like you anymore.
  • Nicole Kidman, please lay off the botox. Pretty soon you won’t be able to act. Acting involves showing emotions. Botox gets in the way of emotions. Enough!
  • Speaking of botox… Joan Allen, what have you done with yourself?!
  • Juliana Marguilles. I love you in the Good Wife. And now I love you even more for your smart, funny speech. Especially the part where you thanked CBS for “believing in 10pm drama.” Good one! Especially when the Globes are on NBC. That took some balls. And I love women with balls.
  • Drew Berrymore. Have to say, you’re very endearing. The weird mouth movement gets a little annoying but the speech was good. Although I would say Meryl Streep set the bar high. But Mo’Nique’s was good too. Very sweet about the part where she thanked her husband. You can tell she’s not getting a divorce any time soon.
  • Speaking of Hollywood divorces, I’m trying to figure out who is going to get divorced next by who forgets to thank their spouse.
  • David Duchovny. You didn’t win for Californication because the Hollywood Foreign Press knows that you weren’t exactly “acting.” You were just playing yourself. Maybe you’ll win next season, now that you’re trying to get treatment and reconciling with the divine Lea Teoni.
  • Jennifer Aniston. Wow. That looked awkward. Presenting with Gerard Butler took some acting chops. You almost pulled it off. I must say, you looked wonderful as always. Loved the dress. It’s more risque than the usual classic silhouettes you wear. Eat your heart out Brad Pitt. Gerard, you’re one lucky dude.
  • Sophia Loren. I love you. And Legally Fawn thinks I look like you. PQ has also said the same. I’m very flattered by this, but that’s not the reason why I love you. I love you because I grew up watching Italian cinema (this is what happens when you don’t grow up in US). I want to grow up to be just like you.
  • Mad Men. Well deserved. John Hamm… you are a very handsome beast.
  • Halle Berry. You look damn good! You are my favorite puma. When I’m 40, I plan on finding myself a gorgeous, young male model and having babies with him.
  • Maggie Gyllenhaal… are you high or did you drink too much champagne on an empty stomach. It sounded like you were having a hard time reading the simple tele-prompter asking viewers to donate to Haiti.
  • Kristen Bell. I love you but you need a stylist. Please let someone help you dress up for the awards season. You always wear something very safe and boring. Please stop.
  • Side note… I’m pretty sure that was Armenian duduk playing when they started showing clips from Martin Scorsese films.
  • You can always tell how high the entertainer is on the peking order by how soon they start to cut off the speech. Would anyone at the Golden Globes dare to cut off Meryl or Marty? No! Jason Reitman? Sorry buddy, you still have to pay your dues.
  • I hope Avatar doesn’t win much.
  • And surprise, surprise… James Cameron wins best director. I guess he deserves something for the imagination. OK buddy, that’s all you get.
  • I love when actors/entertainers say “I’m not prepared because I thought so-and-so was going to win.” Enough with the modesty crap. You wouldn’t be an entertainer if you didn’t have an unhealthy dose of narcissism. You don’t ever think the other person is going to win. That’s not in your nature.
  • Glee won!!!! I love Glee. Very well deserved. If you’re not watching it, you’re missing out. Please watch.
  • Lea Michelle… what the fuck are you wearing? I mean how is she going to sit with that giant dress she has on.  She could have fit the cast of Glee under her dress.
  • OMFG. Is that Mike Tyson on stage at the Golden Globes? WTF?!
  • First Mike Tyson now Arnold the Gropinator on stage.
  • I can’t believe Arnold is my governor. I didn’t vote for him. Thank God that the writers are making him sound funny.
  • Is it just me or do Mariah Carey’s boobs keep getting bigger and bigger?
  • Mickey Rourke… another case of plastic surgery gone very, very bad.
  • Sandra Bullock. I’ve always liked you. So I feel like I have to tell you this… your dress is see through. But nice legs!
  • Robert Downey Jr. I had no idea how funny you are.
  • Kate Winslet. You are luscious.
  • Jeff Bridges. I had no idea you’ve been married to your wife for 33 years. I’m impressed!
  • Gerard Butler. You’re a decent looking fellow but you totally score extra points on the 1-10 scale for being Scottish. Normally, you’d be about a 7. But the Scottish accent and the blue eyes give you extra 2 points. Don’t screw it up with Jennifer Aniston.
  • Check out the legs on Julia. I like her jewelry. And I don’t care what she wears, I always have a soft spot for her. She’ll always be the hooker with the heart of gold and high morals… who doesn’t kiss. That’s intimate!
  • I had a feeling that Hollywood would give Avatar a reward for making so much money for the industry. It’s a predictable, visually stunning film. In this town, it’s all about the looks. But the story has been told so many times before.

That’s all …

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8 thoughts on “Random Thoughts on the Golden Globes

  1. i LOVED all of this! unfortunately, i’m at work and unable to watch the broadcast 😦

    i’ll have to watch the high light reel on the ew.com or awardsdaily when they post it…but you gave me a great idea of whose speeches i should look out for!

    m

  2. Hi,
    re duchovny: he won the golden globe for californication in 2008. obviously the Hollywood Foreign Press does like his acting. if they wouldn’t, they wouldn’t nominate him at all.

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