7 Reasons I’m NOT Calling You Back

Despite the recent pouring men season, with so many phone calls from so many area codes, I’ve had very little interest in returning these phone calls. So, if any guy wants to know why a girl is not calling him back, here are some reasons…

Reason #7: I was intoxicated when I gave you my phone number. Here’s the deal, if I gave you my number when I was really drunk 1) chances are we were at a bar and the likelihood of anything long-term developing from a bar hookup is slim to non and 2) chances are I wouldn’t have given you my number had I been sober. Had I been sober I probably wouldn’t have been making out with you either. But I was, and I did and now I’m sober and I won’t return your phone call.

Reason #6: I don’t find you attractive. I’m sorry to hurt your feelings, but if I don’t find you attractive that means I don’t want to see you naked. Ever. It’s not because I don’t like nice guys. It’s not because I’m scared of a commitment. I just don’t see us getting it on. No chemistry = no phone call.

Reason #5: I’ve dated your friend. Normally this isn’t a big problem. I have dated brothers from the same household. And I’m still good friends with both brothers. However, I am NOT friends with your friend and I don’t want to date you either. I just don’t want drama that’s easily avoidable.

Reason #4: I don’t see you as an equal. To be more specific, we’re in two different places in life. I’m further ahead in my career and make a good living. You’re at the very bottom of the ladder and still figuring things out. You don’t have to earn more than me, but the substantial income gap puts a certain type of pressure on me. I don’t want to feel guilty about you paying for a meal occasionally. I don’t want to go to your apartment because it feels like a college dorm and I feel like taking a shower after leaving your place (because it feels like a dirty college dorm). I don’t want to feel guilty about my nice living environment. I’ve worked very hard for all that I’ve accomplished so far. I want to enjoy the nicer things in life, and it’s not going to happen given our different socio-economic situations.  If you’re living in your car – by choice – it is NOT going to happen.* If we’re in the same age range and have two very different lifestyles, it’s probably not going to work out.

Reason #3: We have different schedules. This happens a lot since I live in LA and so many of the creative types — actors, musicians, waiters — don’t have the typical Mon-Fri morning/evening schedules. So they want to go out late at night during the week, stay up late. I can’t do this because I have a job – with health benefits – to go to in the morning. And you can sleep in until 2pm.

Reason #2: Our friends. This means a few different things. 1) I just don’t think you’ll fit in with my social circle. 2) I don’t see myself spending time with your group of friends. 3) You don’t have a social circle and I don’t want to give you mine.

Reason #1: I’m just not that into you. There’s nothing wrong with you, or maybe there’s combination of all of the above, but at the end of the day, when I look at you I just don’t see a future. So why waste our time. Good luck to you with your future endeavors.

That’s all!

Oh wait… I have a bonus one.

Reason #8: You left me a lame message. A few weeks ago I met a guy at a wine bar. He was outside in the patio chatting up some of my friends. When I went outside to meet up with my friends, he started chatting and couldn’t take his eyes off me. (Not being conceited here, just stating the truth). He asked for my phone number and he was really excited when I gave it to him. He said he couldn’t wait to call me and take me out because he really wants to get to know me (his words). So he calls me 3 days later and leaves a message that goes something like… “Hi Eliza. This is Jeff. We met on Thursday, at the Cork Bar. I was wondering if you want to meet up for coffee, tea or cocktail. Call me back 323-xxx-xxxx.” Dear Jeff, you are in your late 30s, and if your idea of taking me out on a date is coffee, tea or cocktail, I’m so not into you. Especially when you couldn’t wait to take me out and impress me. I don’t do liquid dates. If the homeless guy I went out with can take me on a lunch date, you can spend a few extra bucks for lunch. Oh, and you also didn’t win any points when my friends told me you had casually mentioned the brand of car you drive in the conversation. That is a major turnoff.

* I actually went out on a date with a guy who was living in his car. He told me about his living situation during our 4-hour lunch date. I think the reason our lunch date lasted so long was because he didn’t want to go home to his car. He really pursued me for a while, but I think he really liked my apartment more than he liked me.


  1. i love number 5 because it reminds me of my best friend Lisa who at one time or another managed to date/sleep with all three Turnquist brothers. plus the brother of our best friend amy. to my knowledge, she has not slept with my brother.

  2. Well I am very impressed with your friend Lisa. I only dated 2 Hanson brothers, but there are only two of them. I had a chance to date multiple McCullough brothers, but I was young and had a 1-brother per household policy. And there were 6 McCullough brothers so I really could have had my share.

  3. It was really exciting to see your reasons for not calling back. I was disappointed though that you skirted right around one of your bigger reasons. Aren’t you always glancing at the tool box as one of your very first ‘scans’. Are you afraid to write openly that which you have talked about numerous times?

    Reason # 1.a. You’re a nice guy (or nice looking guy) but you don’t look ‘big’ enough in the codsack.

    Even those secret one-off rolls with the ‘big’ guys (you know what I’m talking about– those trysts that you probably won’t ever tell ANYONE about, and you know why…) are screaming evidence of your preference for big suasage. And don’t it just irk you when the guy who looks ‘big’ enough turns out to be a mouth-breather (alluded to in No. 4)?

    Of course, as you’ve already pointed out, big power or big money can suspend your big sausage requirement.

    But I encourage you to keep following your home-made guidelines for dating. I’m sure you get exactly whom you deserve. The ‘nice’ guys are really not losing anything when you don’t call them back, even if their fantasy is to have a hot chick like you. It is a blow to their self-esteem though, knowing that tons of guys have been up inya but, somehow, they don’t qualify. And rightly so. They will be breeding the next generation and you won’t. That’s how it should be.

    Worked hard for all that you’ve accomplished? That’s a hoot! Worked hard like Rita Hayworth I’ll bet.

  4. Dear Mr. Hepperle
    I’m sorry that a girl didn’t call you back. But perhaps your crude and bitter attitude turned off those women. Good luck to you and your sausage. You’re going to need each other for company.

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