Matchmaker, Matchmaker

It looks like both the Armenian community and the Russian community are concerned about my perpetual single status. Every so often, my mom tells me about so-and-so who thinks I would be a great match for the single-eligible bachelor — who in many cases doesn’t even live in the US — that’s her friend’s neighbor’s brother’s cousin, who’s really smart and educated and comes from a good family. For some strange reason, I seem to make a great impression on Armenian mothers who have eligible sons. And they all want me to get married while my eggs are still viable.

So my BFF Laura, who’s Russian, calls me yesterday and tells me that she overheard the funniest thing. Apparently, Laura’s mom and her nanny (who’s Armenian) were talking, and at some point my name comes up in the conversation. Laura’s mom says, “Eliza is such a great girl but she needs to get a boyfriend.” And Laura’s nanny replies, “Well I’ve told her that if she goes to Armenia, my son will be happy to marry her.” Funny, and strangely flattering.

Then, later in the day, I’m talking with my mom and she tells me that the caretaker for her mother-in-law, who has stepsons in Armenia, thinks that I would be a great match for any one of her stepsons. Apparently, at some point, this lady was trying to play a matchmaker and trying to set up one of her stepsons with my step-dad’s niece, but ever since she met me she likes me better. So this poor lady can’t stop talking about me — and how wonderful I am — and keeps trying to get my mom to talk to me about this match made in Armenia. Again, strangely flattering but also very annoying. I just hate when people bypass me and go straight to my family. What is this, the middle ages? I haven’t dated an Armenian guy in 10 years. If I wanted an Armenian guy, all I have to do is go to Little Armenia, in Hollywood, or Glendale. I don’t even travel west of La Brea for a guy, why would I go all the way to Armenia?

And then there are those who offer me money to marry their son, for a green card. A single Armenian girl with a US citizenship is a hot commodity. I can’t tell you how many of those offers I’ve turned down. And then there are those who get offended when I turn down the green-card marriages. Umm… newsflash, I don’t need your money. I have a job, have no problem supporting myself, and don’t need the headache of fake marriage. If I wanted the headache, I’d go for the real deal.

But I think what’s really funny about the whole thing is the false perception of me these women get. I guess I make such a good impression that they start having daughter-in-law fantasies about me. But they only get to see the PG-13 version of me when I’m with my family. They don’t see the dirty humor. They don’t see the dirty mind. All they see is a nice, single Armenian girl, way past her prime. (At 31, I’m way older than most Armenian brides.) And all they want to do is marry me off to their nice, hairy, Armenian boys. If only they knew the real me…


  1. “If I wanted the headache, I’d go for the real deal.” – Truer words were never spoke.

    Also…please, you’ve yet to hit your “prime.”

  2. Once there was a girl, she was armenian but she never liked me… maybe because I am not armenian.. oh well..

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