13 thoughts on “Dear Friend, You’ve Been Defriended…

  1. Wow. I stumbled upon this when I googled “deleting friends on facebook” Your response here was very helpful because I feel the same way. I’m going through something exactly similar. Except when he realized I de-facebooked him, he sent a message to my facebook inbox saying “why?? so unneccessary”
    Should I even respond?

  2. My advice to you is do not respond. Not responding is actually a stronger message than sending him a response. The natural instinct is to respond, but by replying to him you’re opening the doors of communication and it will keep you from moving on and actually healing from the experience.

    I felt so much better when I realized how much stronger I felt for not responding. Not knowing will torture him, leave him wondering and give you the upper hand.

    Hope this helps.

  3. P.S. I also go a message from him in my inbox after deleting him. He was very upset that I had deleted him. His message was “I can’t believe you deleted me again.” I did not respond. Then he sent me an actual email. I did not respond.

  4. After I deleted him, two weeks later, he sent me a private message saying how he did NOT like me. We wrote back and forth and basically the last thing he said was that people had told him many freaky things and that he wanted to be left alone. I said “okay” because what else was I supposed to say? I had stopped talking to him a while back anyway!

  5. Something happens when you delete a person on Facebook. Basically, you’re sending them a message that you don’t want them in your life. They feel rejected. They write back and when you respond to them they no longer feel rejected. So really, it’s all about them.

  6. Hi, how are you. I just stumbled on to your blog here and I personally feel that defriending someone without an explanation of why, if they ask, is somewhat cowardly and disrespectful. I mean you told bhagee, the first poster that she shouldn’t respond to the guy’s email asking why she defriended him. I feel If you feel so strong in your reasoning and conviciton for defriending someone, you should stand up and tell them why and be proud of it in a sense. If he convinces you not too then you didnt want to do it in the first place. If your ducking the persons request for an explanation, then I think thats a sign of you knowing your wrong or unsure if your decision was correct. Then you insinuated that her ignoring his emails would torture him and give her the upper hand. Well I thought removing a friend was supposed to be theraputic but are you doing it also for vindictive reasons. My problem with fbook and Aim and these things is that people are not as accountable for their actions as in real life and they hide behind these mediums in stead of being straight up and honest. Idk , I think in the long run we loose how to interact and communicate with people. What would you do if you saw this guy you defriended in person, say around mutual friends, that would be real awkward. Bhagee , I think you owe him an explanation and respect ,just as a human being,. Tell him precisely why he deserved this treatment from you, and if he cant let go then ignore him for good

  7. Hi Brian. Thanks for the comment. I see where you’re coming from and don’t discount your side at all. Overall, I think it’s very healthy to communicate with people and tell them how you feel. I especially like to address things in person. Not through facebook, or text messaging. Maybe a phone call even, but in-person communication is even better. However, a lot of people have lost touch of how to communicate with others without involving technology … meaning email/IM/Facebook.

    I have defriended very few people from FB… and those defriended friends fall under couple of categories 1) we are no longer friends in real life or 2) I accepted the friend request from someone like a co-worker/ex-boss who wanted to friends on FB and it would have been awkward not to accept them and later on deleted them.

    I defriended someone that fell in the first category. We were no longer friends. I had told him numerous times that I did not want to be friends with him. We were never friends to begin with and not to get into too many details, but the only time this person cared about the relationship, and realized that I wasn’t happy, was when I defriended him on FB. This was the second time. After the first time there were the apologies and promises to change things. Those things didn’t happen and the second defriending took place. At this point, if someone is trying to find out what went wrong, when you’ve been communicating all along, there’s really no point. Sometimes, the act of responding brings up too many emotions when you’re trying to move on. That’s why I say, don’t respond. Move on. It makes a person feel better to finally get a handle on things. It’s not necessarily about upper hand, but more about self preservation. There’s nothing wrong about looking out for your best interest.

    And when someone is defriended on facebook, they already know why they’re defriended. The feelings of rejection and hurt ego are the reasons behind wanting to know why. It’s because they’d rather be the ones rejecting the other person. Because it hurts their ego.

  8. Hi- I really liked your article. I recently began dating a guy whom I liked quite a bit. I too am about your age-31, and it doesn’t happen too often that I really am truly interested in someone.. Well, not long after we began dating he was transferred to southern california. He did the calling and texting for about 3 weeks after he left. He came into town last weekend, and took me to dinner. I asked him to come in after and he declined. Very awkward…he didn’t even walk me in, and no excitement from him to continue dating long distance. No phyical intimacy. I was hurt, and I decided to delete him from my facebook friends. I am questioning if it was the right thing to do. But ultimately I don’t want to see other girls posting things on his wall, pictures of him, etc. And i know myself well enough to know I would always want to check. So anyways, I haven’t heard from him since this awkward dinner last weekend. I defriended him on FB for these same reasons- I didn’t want him seeing what I was up to, and I didnt want to see other girls posting on his page or pics or seeing the girls he’s friending. I know myself well enough to know that I would & this isn’t healthy. Anyways thanks for your article- it helped me.

  9. I felt that way once about a guy friend, but he lives far away in another country and I really loved him so much, It was painful. I deleted him but he took me back and I’ll never do that again. ( I can’t see life without him. ) and if anything he has more reasons with my crazy ways to delete me, lol!

    But funny thing is right now I have another friend on there so similar to him! So I would say the better option is to keep him as a friend but join some of the groups that interest you and you never know – Then you could like more than one guy, It’s just fun and let Mr.right come when it’s time.

    I thought I knew I was ready before when I deleted the friend but I was so wrong I had things to learn about myself anyhow and I’m almost 43 years old. Much I learned from knowing him, He’s just worth more than a romantic relationship to me.

  10. So i have ”friends with benefits”, we are supposed to meet tonight and I just was on FB & he deleted me.
    what do i do?
    please help.

    1. Confirm that he deleted you. He may have deactivated his profile. Ask him something like “I tried to send you a message on FB and you weren’t there.” He might be taking time off from FB. If he actually deleted you, that’s a pretty strong message. In which case, I suggest that you end any benefits.

      1. Dear EH: Just wanted to let you know that you have some really great insights into the issues of Facebook culture. I look forward to reading some more of your posts. Please read mine below “Sean Smith” I would appreciate any responses you care to offer.

  11. DEFREINDED BY: Rachael H. on 9/10/12. Rachael was once a companion of mine and I cared about her deeeply; maybe too deeply. She had some issues and I knew it when we were seeing each other. She moved away and moved in with a guy. We kept in touch via Facebook for a while even while she was seeing someone else. She was friendly at times but distanting in some of her last FB posts. Her new BF played along with us keeping in touch for a while. I think the boyfriend of hers became tired of us communicating and one morning I woke up and she had DEFRIENDED me; no warning whatsoever. I called her cell to find out what had happened. After a four years of friendship, all of the sudden she “didn’t feel comfortable” talking to me with not much of an explanation and I had just spoken with her the day before. I BELIEVE that true FREINDSHIPS should be based on HONESTY, COMMUNICATION and LOYALTY; where loyalty is appropriate. After I provided her with food and shelter for several nights that she had found herself homeless, I think I at least deserved a phone call voice to voice “that she no longer had any use for me as a “human being” : ) or as a friend for that matter. FACEBOOK friendships should be CASUAL; nothing more. INTIMATE relationships can only be maintained face to face not online. “Hookups” are a different story of course! : ) FACEBOOK is basically a graveyard full of friendships and relationships that have passed on. Take friendships in stride and not so seriously and there’s nothing “constant” about a “casual” relationship. People move on when there’s not a compelling reason for the freindship to continue. TRUE FRIENDS don’t delete each other at random. TRUE FRIENDS each have some kind of “investment” in the friendship. I realize now that maybe Rachael and I were never really FRIENDS; just Hookup buddies. So there you have it. DEFRIENDING is both a necessary and unnecessary “evil”. : ) It can be demoralizing and even “dehumanizing” if you have “difficulty” with rejection. By DEFRIENDING someone you’re telling that person to go Fu** themselves. DEFRIENDING is basically an obscene gesture of the highest degree.

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