Between the ages of 19 and 33, I managed to have several relationship-type experiences, but none that made any great emotional impact. There were a few relationships that got off to promising starts. Some lasted as long as 6 months. Most averaged about 2-3 months. When those relationships ended, I remember breathing a sigh of relief. I don’t remember ever experiencing sadness. I certainly don’t ever remember losing appetite over breakups.

But as the cliche goes, there’s a first time for everything. For me, I’m pretty sure this was my first adult love. The first real breakup. And the first heartbreak. The last few weeks I’ve managed to feel more emotions over a relationship than I have felt my entire adult life. My BFF Laura, who has witnessed my dating history since freshman year of college, mentioned that she has never seen me feel so much for a guy. Never felt any of these feelings when I was dating the slew of 23 year olds.

I’ve come to the realization that this breakup is similar to dealing with death. But this particular breakup wasn’t the slow death, where you know it’s coming. This was more like accidental death that comes out of nowhere and shocks you to the core.

And just like death, I’ve been dealing with stages of breakup grief. First came shock. Then denial. Then anger. Now depression. I hear it’s healthy to feel all these emotions. But it doesn’t make it easier.

Only one stage left to go.

To say that the day was a mixed bag of nuts is an understatement.  The night before, the bf and I talked about an argument we had a week before. It took a week to resolve it because I was on a business trip, 2000 miles away. We decided that things were good. We decided to move forward. We continued talking about and making plans for the future (places to go/things to do). Sometime between going back home to change for work, and around 7 a.m., I found out that he had decided that it wasn’t fair to me to deal with his shit — leftover from the 3 1/2 yr relationship which ended a month before we started dating —  and didn’t want to be in a relationship. Then after several text messages, and  a 45 minute phone conversation, and just about the time his iPhone battery died, my relationship was over. On a day when countless friends were wishing me a very happy birthday, I was crying hysterically over an unexpected end to a very promising relationship.

I rarely cry. I don’t cry over boys. I don’t jump into relationships. I don’t introduce guys to friends unless I can see a future. I don’t let them into my world unless they’re really worth it. He was worth it.  Despite the selfish, asshole move on his part — ending a relationship on my birthday — it was good while it lasted. Too bad he’s not strong enough to deal with his issues and be able to function in a healthy relationship.

Then again, if someone wants to be in a relationship, there is not much that would keep them from one. Maybe it’s just a case of “he’s just not that into you.” But I have a hard time with that thought. You don’t just tell a person that you love them 3 weeks into a relationship, ask them to go to a party at the parents house and meet the family, make plans for trips together and then pull this crap. Or maybe I’m over-analyzing. Maybe he just didn’t find me the perfect birthday present and needed a way out. That’s probably it.

But I rallied. The birthday love way stronger. After bursting into random crying episodes throughout the day — before work, during lunch, and driving back home from work — I finally started getting back into some state of normalcy. The appetite gods sent me back my appetite just in time for an awesome dinner at Osteria Mozza with my best friend Laura and her wonderful husband John. Then after dinner it was drinks at Bar Covell , organized spur-of-the-moment by my lovely Mia-Cakes, with Hanttulian and more awesome friends in attendance and Legally Fawn there in spirit. She called the troop leader (Mia-Cakes) after finding out about the breakup and my friends made sure that my birthday ended much better than it started. And when my ex texted, “Happy Birthday. You’ve been in my thoughts all day,” I didn’t get the slightest urge to respond to his message.

Despite a sprained foot and a broken heart I’m feeling better. Now I just need my appetite back, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing since I managed to sprain my foot and can’t exercise.

Probably a good thing. Just wish it didn’t end on my birthday. I know there’s never a perfect timing, but I think it would have been nicer if he had waited until the day after my birthday.

Off to the next one.

My active dating life has made for some very entertaining stories. There was the crazy saxophone player. The homeless guy (the one who chose to live in his car). The backne boy who didn’t get anywhere past first base once I realized the problem. Then there were the awesome guys but bad timing. Not too many of those actually, but there were a couple. Dating in LA is like being a candy store but all the candy is non-fat and no flavor.

Then there was the Almost Roommate. The guy who changed my relationship status…even on Facebook.

A few months later, I got a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Then he asked me something specific about the division of the company where I work (we both work for the same company) and I figured out it was the Almost-Roommate texting me. Since he had paid a month’s worth of rent to fulfill his obligation, I actually responded to his  text. Otherwise, I would have probably used some unladylike words. During the past year he kept in touch, texting me every few months to see how I’m doing. I thought it was a little strange, but I’ve seen stranger behavior. I found out that the reason he hadn’t moved in was because he and his on-and-off again girlfriend had decided to give the relationship one last chance (they were living together).  This was the reason for the last minute change in plans.

After a year of text messages, I was fed up and I asked him what it is he really wanted. And after several flirtatious texts his response was,”Your attention.” Then he asked me if he can buy me a drink or 6.  ”Yes, you can,” I responded. I don’t say NO to free drinks. It’s against my religion.

We set a date for Friday (last week). Since he had already dropped the ball on moving in, and I have permanent damage from getting stood up, at about 8:30pm I started freaking out that I was going to get stood up on a Friday night. Yes, I’m an optimist. As a preemptive move  –  to alleviate the pain of a potential no-show – I started drinking wine with the neighbors. After my second glass, on a post-workout-empty-stomach, I get a text that he’s on his way. And all I’m thinking is “great, where am I going to find room for 6 drinks?”

I don’t know if it was the 2 glasses of wine, or the 3 glasses of vodka soda, or maybe the combination of both, but I ended up having one of the best dates in recent history. I would have never guessed that I would have  had  so much chemistry with a guy who so NOT my type and who I wanted to punch a little over a year ago.

At the end of the night he still owed me 3 drinks. I told him he could buy me the rest of the drinks with dinner. A second date is happening tomorrow.

It’s 7:30 a.m., I’m drenched in sweat, need to take a shower and I’m locked out. I have an all day meeting that’s supposed to start at 9 a.m. and I can’t be late. So I break into my apartment. (I won’t give too many details on how I did this but let’s just say it was way too easy even for an amateur.)

I finally take a shower, don’t have enough time to style my hair so for the first time in my 2 years at my job I put my hair up in a ponytail. I look semi-decent. Finish doing my makeup in the car (not while driving, only when the light was red). I get to work, go into the conference room and put my stuff down and go get some coffee. I come back and the super-hot-guy who can’t possibly be straight has sat at the chair right next to me.

The last few months I kept noticing this ridiculously hot, stylish, super-fit guy with really nice biceps. On the 1-10 scale, I’d give him about a 9. But since he’s really good looking, dresses nicely, and in really great shape, I figured that the chances of him being straight are pretty low. But I don’t care. It’s nice to have some eye candy. And he’s sitting next to me. Then I find out he’s Russian and I tell him that I speak Russian and he got really excited. We totally had a “moment.”  I spent two long days sitting next to my office crush.

It took every ounce of restraint for those two days not to burst into uncontrollable giggles. I have never been on such good behavior around a hot guy.

May he rest in peace.

But the winter of hibernation came to an end. After 3 months of bar method and 6 weeks of boot camp, I finally started to fit into my skinny jeans again, without the muffin top. Right around the time I got news that LudoBites was coming back for 8 weeks. Somehow I scored 6 reservations to LudoBites, which are harder to get than an invite to a State dinner at the White House. And just like that I snapped out my depression.

Friday was my last day of my 6 weeks of boot camp and my first reservation of six to LudoBites 4.0. My Friday night date was Christina. We’ve been known to overindulge when it comes to food (and men). Our idea of a perfect meal starts with all-you-can-Brazilian-BBQ followed by Portos Bakery for dessert. So I knew she’d be a great date for LudoBites.

We were the first ones to arrive. I made a reservation for 6pm just to make sure we could order everything before things started getting crossed off the menu because of the hungry masses.  It’s been known to happen and there is no way I was going to let anyone get between me and my foie gras croque-monsieur. And there we were … looking at the menu. All 13 items.

• First up was the tartine plate. I think Chef Ludo should really consider starting a side business selling butter. Let’s face it, the French KNOW their butter and baguette. I was “this” close to eating the butter with my spoon. But I was classy. I used the baguette instead.

Butter makes everything better. Two kinds of butter lavender & honey and smoked.

• Next up was the carrot salad. Light and refreshing with a perfect harmony of citrus and saffron flavors.

A refreshing carrot salad, as I work my way through the menu

• Followed by the heavenly egg, potato mousseline and lobster with edible flowers on top.

There's lobster hiding in there

• Then sometime around brie chantilly napoleon, raw scallops and poached jidori chicken, and after a long 9-month absence, I was reunited with my love… the glorious foie gras croque-monsieur. It was slightly different from the previous version which came with cherry sauce, but since cherries are not in season it came with a side of lemon turnip chutney. It was worth the wait.

I heart Foie Gras Croque-Monsieur

• And the food gods did not just stop with the foie gras. To reward me for my patience and suffering — for waiting 4 months for another LudoBites — they delivered the heavenly ravioli.

Ravioli never tasted this good...

And since my stomach is a bottomless pit — and Christina always encourages my food habit — we decided that two entrees were not enough and added the steak with white asparagus to our order. I’m glad I pushed my stomach to its limits. What good is 6 weeks of boot camp, 3 months of bar method, and countless hours spent running through the hills of Hollywood if I don’t exercise my stomach.

Eat me... eat me

If you insist… fine… I’ll take a bite. Check out the inappropriate asparagus on my plate.

The asparagus tip reminds me of something... hmm... what could it be? My inappropriate mind never takes a break.

After 6 appetizers and 3 main courses, Christina and I were ready for dessert. If you only have room for one dessert — in case you don’t feel like stretching your stomach to its limits — you have to order the dark chocolate souffle.

Wow. That's all I can say about the dark chocolate souffle.

But life is short… don’t share just one dessert. Get one each and try both. We also ordered the raspberry religieuse, with pistachio parfait.

Yes, we finished both desserts.

And that was the end of my first of six reservations at LudoBites 4.0. I’ll be signing up for 6 more weeks of boot camp to keep the pounds away as I work my way through the LudoBites menu during the next 8 weeks.

Looking forward to more unforgettable meals with Ludo and Krissy.

Bon appetit!

The French Chef - Ludovic Lefebvre waving at his hungry fans.

Krissy, Chef Ludo's hot wife and the woman who runs the front of the house at LudoBites. She's awesome!

1. Where are you from? I get this the minute someone detects my slight accent — which gets a lot more noticeable the more I drink. For anyone else, this is a question about which city/state are you from. When I get asked this question it’s because they want to know which South American country I’m from. Well, I’m Armenian. From Armenia. I know you thought I’m Latina. I’m sorry to disappoint you. No I don’t speak Spanish. But I do speak Armenian, Russian and English.
2. Where is Armenia? I think I’ve covered this in a previous post. But if we have already had a prior conversation and I’ve told you that I’m Armenian, don’t ask me during the date where it is. It takes two seconds to Google it. If you know I’m Armenian and ask me where it is, you are already off on a wrong foot and the date is going downhill from there. No amount of sushi or vodka is going to salvage it.
3. Siblings? Yes. One brother – from the same set of parents. But I also have two more half siblings from my dad and his second-marriage shenanigans. There could be more siblings out there but my dad said he doesn’t count the illegitimate ones.
4. Are you close to your brother? Hmm… now we are. But I like to think it’s a work in progress. I’m sure he’ll always find ways to annoy me. I’m sure I’ll always love him because he’s my little brother.
5. What do you like to do? It’s a fair question, but it’s one of the most broad, abstract questions that’s really tough to answer during a course of dinner conversation. It’s like going on a job interview and someone asks you “Tell me about yourself.” Except for job interviews I know to keep it on topic, related to job specifically. What do I like to do in my free time? Let’s see… I like to eat, shop, exercise, drink, dance, socialize. I like to entertain. I love to host parties and bring a bunch of people together and see that have a great time. But I feel like it’s kind of difficult to express some of these things without sounding shallow. Oh, and I like to read, but by the time I get home from work, I’m usually so exhausted all I can do is watch TV and go to bed. And while I’m in bed I have my latest copy of Elle, Vogue or W that I get to read. Because honestly, I just don’t want to read anything heavy and end up having strange, nightmarish dreams. At one point I was reading  New Moon — only because I read Twilight and like to read the book before seeing the movie at some point — and started having vampire nightmares. So instead, I like to read fashion magazines. I know. This makes me look very, very deep. Anyway, how about finding things out naturally, over course of time. Do we need to cover everything on a first date?
6. What do you do? What do you want to do? Do you like what you’re doing? Here’s the deal, I like my job. I like what I do. Is this what I thought I’d be doing when I was in college? No. My job didn’t event exist when I was in college. I love politics. And at some point I wanted to get into politics. But I’ve been disenchanted with politics. I’m still heartbroken about the Democratic primaries. Hillary should have been the president. I’m still angry about it and it gets my blood boiling. This was a question that came up at my last date and got me thinking about a lot of things. I was out on a date with a guy who’s a chef.  He loves what he’s doing. He’s good at it and very successful. But is it that easy for everyone to figure out that one thing that you’re really good at and destined to do? What if you have a lot of different interests? I have wanted to be a politician. A publisher. A writer. A restauranteur. When I was in college, I wanted to be the president of NBC (that’s when NBC was a big deal). Now I’ll settle being the president of the small entertainment company where I work. I know I wasn’t destined for an ordinary life.
7. When was the last time you were in a relationship. Hmm… tough one. I think it was 2001. There was a 5-6 month long relationship in 2009 also, but  I didn’t even think that was a relationship until it was over. But when I tell a guy that the last time I was in a relationship was 8 years ago I bet they’re thinking that A) I have a fear of commitment, B) something is seriously wrong with me or C) A & B both. The reality is that LA is a very difficult place to meet a decent guy. And I can tell early on if it’s not going to work out. I don’t believe in trying to fix a guy to make it work. If I wanted a fixer upper, I’d get a house. But honestly, I have a hard time explaining why I’ve been single for so long. I can just say that I’m not scared of commitment or monogamy. If it’s a choice between being single and being in a bad relationship, I choose single.

That’s all the Q&A for now.

But seriously, I’m so over dating. I don’t want to go on any more online dates.  The idea of one more first date makes me want to barf. I’m done.

Here’s what I hate about this online dating thing. The profiles manage to give out a lot of information yet manage to leave out some very useful details. There is no way of knowing that the guy in his late 30s really is a 14 year old trapped in a 37 year old’s body. Not until you take the time out of your evening to meet the guy for a drink, and realize that all the vodka in the world couldn’t create chemistry.

After months of dating guys in their very early 20s, I decide to go out with a guy who’s age appropriate, only to end up with a boy. If I wanted a boy I would have gone out with the persistent 19 year old that was emailing me on Match. But even I have some standards. I need someone at least 21.